stripped

Stripped away in a moment ,
The walls come tumbling down.
You see right through me ,
My emotional haven in ruins.
My heart is laid bear
I can not hide it from you.
You see straight into my soul
You feel my burdens
You life me up into your arms
Holding me close like a precious babe.
You ease the pain
Taking all my sorrows for your own
You guide me through
When the tears blind my way
You show me the light
when that darkness closes in .
You give me strength
when I am weakened
You awaken my soul with your spirit
I thank you for you are my rock
My constant in ever shifting sand
I praise you for you have made me ,
You have moulded and refined me .
I praise you for your strength and love
You are my God forever

You .

I remember the pain
The agony was not only physical,
It was also mental.
The pain of losing him
Because I chose the life ,
Growing inside of me .
The pain on etched on my mother face.
The anger of my father .
Yes a pregnant teenager.
The looks and stares of those who knew me
The hurt of the mistakes that I had made.
The judgement of strangers.
The loss of friends or so I thought.
My youth turned into adult hood,
In a blink of an eye.
The intensity of the contractions,
Were the culmination of it all .
And yet I knew that It was only the beginning.
Would this pain ever end
Would I hate you for all that I had lost.
Would I let this pain shred any morsel of hope

And then you were here.
Beautiful ,
Perfect .
Everything I had every imagined,
And yet so much more then that .
Your perfect heart shaped face faced
The eyes danced with wonder
The little hands that grasped mine
In that instant I found my strength
I found my hope,
I found a joy I never thought I know.
Our bond was forged and sealed .
In that instant I knew that the pain had been worth it
I knew no one else matter but you
My daughter , my instant everything .
I had found something I wasn’t looking for.
The power of Unconditional love.

(just a side note. This was a great prompt for me . I have been trying a to write about this since my daughter was born but could never seem to write the right words . When i seen the picture I knew exactly what to write and once I started it seemed to just tumble out . Fan,ly I have been able to us into words how I have been feeling for the last seven years. Thanks for the prompt and thanks for reading

FWF : Alone.

Photo credit : Richard Baxter

Ripped from underneath my feet ,
Was all that I held dear
Devastation has touch my world,
Bring to life my fear

The house the was once my home
Is now shattered at the seams
The happiness that once filled it,
With brightness no longer beams

It once was my safe haven,
My place of solitude
Now it’s render broken,
A shrouded cloud of doom.

I pray for restoration ,
For the love once felt here
I seek a compensation
To make it all seems clear

I need to find the anchor,
the constant in this place
Only now I realize
My fears I must turn and face

Oh house you held so much for me ,
The memories in my heart
Now it’s been destroyed ,
It all just fallen apart.

Mom and Dad you know,
What I have all lost
Your happier apart
But I have payed the cost

This house in no longer a home,
Riddle with anger and pain
You may feel that you have won
But I had nothing to gain.

Free write Fridays ; seven doors

I stand in front of seven doors , each one presents a new exciting opportunity to enter a world that exist only in my imagination. A voice has prompted me to open one , giving me the seven different options Oh how am I ever going to choose, seven places that peak the interest of my whole entire being. I close my eyes and walk forward and put my hand out in front, grasping for whatever door I can find. This is the world in which I will enter.
I place my hand on a door , I open my eyes and its door #2. There is nothing to indicate which world I am going to enter. So with bated breath I slowly turn the handle, I can smell the warm air with a hint of tropical scents, I push just a little and the door slowly opens. I peak my head through cautiously , I see green everywhere , it seems that the world I have entered is a jungle . I hear the birds and the sound of rushing water. I feel the heat warm my face as I step into the unknown world.
I gaze around at the beauty that behold me. I walk towards the sound of rushing water. I can smell the mist in the distance and feel the humidity on my skin . It sound of water become increasingly loud and as I walk on I can distinctly make out now that it is a waterfall.
I enter into a clearing where I can see the water fall in all its majestic glory, I take it all in embracing it awesomeness. I revel in the warm sunlight drinking in the beauty that surrounds me . I wonder if I have entered heaven.
A voice breaks through the serenity around me .
” magnificent isn’t it ?”
I look around looking for the owner of the voice. Nothing to my right or my left , I look behind me and still no one . The voice giggles gaily from above. I look up to see a boy clad in green flying directly above my head.
I know where I am now. I am in Neverland! And that is Peter Pan ! My excitement wells up in me .
” you must be Peter!?!”
The boy’s impish grin wipes off his face instantly .
” who sent you ? Are you one of hooks recruits?”
He whistles and suddenly I am surrounded by little boys . My hands are bound behind me , a bag is put over my head and I can feel that I am being moved somewhere.
I start to think that maybe this was not what I had bargained for . That in theory this all seemed like such a great adventure but now it was just down right scary .
As we moved along little hand jostled and touched everywhere. I stumbled as the pushed me off and onto the ground. The bag came off my head and Peter stood before me . Hs arms crossed his chest and his face furrowed into a frown .
“Who are you and where are you from ? Why are you here, what do you want? ” Peter spat out questions faster then I could think them .
I tried to edge in a word here and there but his questions fired at me without cease. Finally he stopped looked at me and said “well?”
Flabbergasted I couldn’t seem to make my mouth and voice work .
A little hand came up and touched my face wiping my hair from in front of my eyes. I looked over to see a chubby little boy . He could not have been more then four or five. His light wavy brown hair was matted to his head . His shimmering blue eyes gaze at me with curiosity.
“Well? ” the question came again
“I came here through a door , having an opportunity to experience another world from my own . I have no intentions of hurting anyone, I just wanted to see your world.”
Peter looked at me puzzled . I wondered if my answer would satisfy him .
“Well” he started ” you don’t look very dangerous, and your a woman, Hook only uses women for one thing and it certainly not to spy. ”
The little boy who touched my face earlier came and stood in front of me . He smiled , chubby cheeks showing two adorable dimples. I felt drawn to him . I didn’t know why .
“This hear is tommy , tommy don’t talk . He just smiles .” One of the other boys said
” he sure like you” another boy piped up
I looked at tommy . And smiled back . He danced and clapped his hands like I had just given him the best present int the world. A boy came from behind and unbound my hands. I rubbed my wrist . Tommy came over and kissed them . Suddenly he flung his arms around me squishing me into a bear hug. I slowly hugged him back .
The other boys who must be the lost boys started to move around leaving me with tommy. I looked around at my surroundings . We seemed to be in a hollow of a tree. There was a fire pit to warm , a few pillows with sheet strewn on what looked to be shelfs . The lost boys were cleaning up , playing or had left to do something. I sat there mesmerized by them . There was no adults to interfere with their life so they just did . They took care of each other , they were a family.
Tommy fell asleep in my lap . I rubbed his hair with a familiarity. I felt as though I had known this boy forever and yet I could not place from where. The air started to turn cold and the sun started to set . I was wondering what would happen next . Now that I was here how long would I stay ? how would I get home?
Then I heard a voice interrupt my thoughts, ” mommy?” I looked down at tommy who was awake and smiling at me . Louder the voice called “Mommy?” I answered but the voice kept calling . MOMMY. The voice shrieked in my ears so loud that I had to close my eyes.
When I opened my eyes everything was blurry. The voice was still calling me . Those bright blue eyes were staring into mine as my vision started to come back into focus. I looked around to get a grip on my surroundings. I find myself at the bottom of the stairs to my house. How did I get here? Why does my head hurt ?
The blue eyes belong to my son , my beautiful i brown haired blue eye four year old. That when I realize that I had fallen down the stairs. I must have hit my head. I look at the clock . It was now two hours since I had looked at it . I must have been out cold for a while. Then it all started to make sense . Tommy the little boy was my consciences version of my son . Thats why he was so familiar to me .
” Mommy?”
“Yes buddy ?”
“Mommy, you fell down the stairs. You fell asleep so I took care of you . I hugged you ,I pushed your hair out of your face and then I snuggled you . Are you ok Mommy?”
” Yes buddy I will be fine ”

Hand what story do you tell

Dear Grandfathers hands folded in prayer
What is the story they tell?

my child ,my child , what do they tell?
Fold you hands with mine so you may know.
My hands have seen a lot of things ,
They know of war , hardship and strife
They know how to hold a gun
They know how to fight a man
My hands my child you see fought in war ,
So that you could be free

So I could be free?
What else grandfather ?
Surely they know more then hardship ,strife and war?
Tell me grandfather what else do they tell?

oh little one so dear yes so you could be free
For sure they know more then hardship, strife and war.
What else do they tell ?
They tell of love so tender and dear.
They tell of gentle hands who have held mine
They tell of tender touch and caress
They have loved beyond compare.

Oh grandfather of love so tender and dear?
Tell me grandfather whose hands have held yours,
Whom have you loved beyond compare!?
Tell me grandfather what else do they tell?

yes my darling of love so tender and dear
They have held the hands of the one I loved beyond compare
Your grandmother little one your grandmother
What else do they tell You ask ?
Their roughness tells of labour to build this house and home
Their firmness tell of work and toil for fruitful gain to behold
They tell of traveling to this new land
To seek its fortune here
They tell of lowly position that worked and climb to my own sphere

Of roughness and of firmness ?
Oh grandfather you suffered so !
Did you find you fortune here grandfather
What else , what else I must know!

yes my grandchild of roughness and of firmness
For this was necessary to find the fortune I have now found
What else you ask my loving one
This you I will tell
They have known the hold of tender babe
Brought from out of love
They have know the frankness of discipline ,
But only if deserved
They have found them selves folded up in prayer
For this is an important task

Dear grandfather you hands to tell a lot
This one thing I must ask ,
Why is fold up in prayer
Their most important task?

oh child ,oh child do you not see?
That this is what they Must tell .
God made these very hands you see,
Without him I’d be naught.
The most important lesson your hands must do ,
Is to pray for God and ask ?
Your hands must pray in thankfulness
Your hands must sing his praise
Your hands must ask his forgiveness each and every day .
You hands must pour out your soul,
They must show their love for him
For if they do not fold to pray ,
His love you will not know.
You must my child , you must !
Teach you hands this lesson well ,
and may God see fit to bless.

Will you teach my hands grandfather ?
Will you teach them well ?
My hands do want to know his love,
They want to feel his care !
Please teach me grandfather,
My hands they itch to know!

take my hand my little one for I will teach you now
Fold them together little one and bow thy little head.

Free write Fridays invite

and in that moment I swear we were infinite.

I saw clearly for the first time the way we were , strong free , able willing. The world was at our feet , the door was opened and all the possibilities came tumble out like a closet that had been shoved to full finally giving way.
We were one , we had spoken our vows to each other in front of man and under God. It felt so right. The endless joy or what would and could be . I looked out over our friends and family beaming with happiness and anticipation of our new life together. Our eyes locked and I knew that when I said till death do us part I meant it with every inch of my being .
Finally we were a all a family us and our daughter. What we had felt shame for so long was now lifted and a fresh start was just beginning. The weight had been lifted of my terrible burden . It was extra say to stand and know what was wrong had been made right.
As we made our way down the isle to exit the church every step gave new meaning. Every step made way into our new life as man , wife and child. With each step the confidence of our love grew stronger and the shackles that held us down were freed .

in that moment I swear we were infinite .

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Waiting for darkness

Darkness . That’s all I remember. Pure utter darkness. I was so alone, drifting in and out if what I wasn’t even sure was sleep. Alone with my thoughts unsure of time,or if this was even real.
I reached out to the side but I feel nothing . I reach out to the other side and again I feel nothing. I move my foot forward and reach out in front of me , again nothing. My feet are on a floor of some kind it’s not cold but it isn’t warm and inviting either.
I try to remember how I got here , where ever here is . I can’t . Nothing I am not even sure of my own name . I think it might have been Carly but even that doesn’t sound quite right .
I am starting to get frustrated . Why is no one coming to turn a light on ? Where am I ? Better yet who am I? What’s my name ? Why am I here ? Why can’t I hear anything?
Te anger begins to well up in me I move my arms around flailing for anything . I try to walk forward but there is nothing in front of me . Step after step . It’s like a never ending hallway.
Slowly I begin to tire . The darkness seems to have its hold on me. Again I drift into my unending sleep
I awaken to a beeping. I hear it loud and clear . It’s the first thing I have heard in well who knows how long. I slowly open my eyes. Light blinds them . There is a face . I see it , a face . Whose face I don’t know but it feels good to see even thought the light is stinging my eyes. I try to talk but not a sound . I try again but nothing . This time I try to scream but no even a gurgle escapes my lips .
What is happening to me ? Why can’t I talk ? Who is this person ? Where am I ? Who am I ? I scream silently in my head all the unanswered questions.
Slowly I look and try to take in the room around me . Everything is blurry . I can’t make out more then a few blobby shapes. I feel weak . I can’t imagine why , I jut woke up . The face reappears and smiles. The face bends down and kisses my head. A voice from somewhere speaks. It sounds like slow motion . The voice is not recognizable .
Again I try to talk but nothing happens . Tears escape from my eyes. The frustration is to much . I don’t understand anything . I am so lost, confused and angry.
The face smiles at me with a hopeful expression . There is excitement in the face . A voice again speaks from somewhere in the distance. The face’s mouth is moving but the sound is distorted . The I realize the face is talking to me . I try to move my hand to motion for something to write with but nothing happens . I look down to where my feet are and realize I am not standing I am laying in a bed somewhere.
I look back at the face trying to move , to speak , to do anything to let them know I am trying to communicate. Alarms are dinging and beeping every where around me . Another face appears with a white coat . They look concerned. The two faces talk . The first face sounds anxious even though I can’t make out any of the words . The second face is angry or at least sounds like it . Slowly I feel my eyes shutting . I will myself to stay awake , I fight the drowsiness but its no use the darkness closes in over me and I am back in my prison of slumber.
I awaken sometime later how much later I could not say . As I open my eyes I let them slowly adjust to the light . The room is not as blurry and I can make out the shapes of things better. I look over to the side of what I am laying on . I assume its a bed.
I see the face this time much clearer. It is a woman . She is sleeping . Her eyes are closed , her hands resting peacefully in her lap . She looks like someone’s once knew but I can’t place a name or a memory attached to her. I want to talk to her to ask her all my questions but I don’t want to wake her. I watch her sleep peacefully for a while.
The second face comes in and I quickly shut my eyes . I am not sure why . I think maybe that the face might be the one keeping me in this prison . I feel hands roughing me and I peek out of one eye to see what is happening. The face is a man. I know for sure that I don’t know him . He is wearing a long with coat . He is bouncing a hammer on my knees and my legs are moving but I can’t feel it . He puts a hand on my foot and traces a Popsicle stick down it but still I feel nothing. He turn towards my face and realizes I am awake.
I am terrified . What is going on ? Why can’t I feel anything? Why is he doing this to me ?
He smiles at me and says something? The sounds are still slightly garbled . I listen harder?
“Maria, can you hear me ? ”
I swallow and try to force words out of my mouth . All that comes is a throaty squeak. I try to clear my throat and try again
“Is that my name ? Maria? ” . Each and every word burns my throat with a fiery vengeance.
The face smiles .
” yes your name is Maria . I am you doctor . Do you remember what happened? ”
What do you mean what happened I think . Isn’t he the one doing this to me?
“No”
” Maria, you don’t remember anything?”
The woman wakes from her sleep and rushes to my side. She is crying and smiling.
” water ?” I say
The woman looks at the doctor who nods . They walk out of the room and I can hear them talking . It feels like forever before the woman returns with a cup .
I sip the cool water letting it quench the fire burning in my throat.
“Who are you ?” I ask.
” I’m mom, Maria. Don’t you remember me ? ”
” no , what happened ? Why am I hear? Why can’t I feel anything ? Why aren’t my arms and legs moving? ”
” slow down honey ” mom says. She takes a deep breath. Slowly she begins to talk.
” Three weeks ago you and your best friend Carly were coming home from a movie when a transport truck side swiped Carly’s car. Carly died instantly the force snapped her neck so hard it broke . You were thrown from the car . You landed on a median and broke your spine in thee different places. The doctor says you will never walk again .”
“Stop!!!!!” I yell . The tears stream down my face. I know in my heart that what she is saying is true I just don’t want to believe it.
“Oh baby I didn’t want to upset you! I am so sorry honey !”
I feel miserable. Now I want the doctor to come back . I want him to put me back into the darkness. I know now why and the thought of having to deal with any of it is unimaginable. At least in the darkness I can sleep . Sleep away everything.
I close my eyes willing myself to sleep but it doesn’t come. I scream in my head for the darkness to take me back , to engulf me completely and never return me . I wait and wait but it doesn’t come .
I lay there awake for what feels like a decade. People come in and out of my room . I know they are moving me by the slight movements of my head as they go about it . I refuse to open my eyes.
I refuse to allow myself to be this . A cripple who can’t move. I won’t, I won’t , I won’t!
I wait for the darkness but it does not come…..